I think I just sometimes need the reminder that I will find my way as a mom of two through this next deployment. I will take it one day at a time and things will fall into place. There is no need to worry now about what may come up then. I also need to remember that enjoying help while I have it is fine. I do not have to prove that I will survive the deployment by doing everything alone now. In fact, I don't have to prove anything to anyone.
January 20, 2010
How am I going to do it when he's away?
The question of "how am I going to do it when he's away?" has plagued me since Ryan was born. I knew Pat would leave soon after Ryan's birth, and the thought of surviving the newness of motherhood and all the phases of the first year Ryan's life alone was a daunting thought. I was always trying to prepare myself and prove that I could do it. Even now I've found that thought creeping back in, which is funny since I've already survived a deployment with a child. For a little while the thought of taking care of two children alone has had me second guessing myself. Every night that Pat works late, I'm afraid that if I complain people will say, "how are you going to do it when he's away?" Recently I've finally come to terms with my previous worry. I've realized that I'm going to survive. There is no choice, you do it and make it work. I will get things done and do what I need to do. I don't need to worry because in the end of the day I'll figure it out when the time comes. I've also accepted that I can be annoyed that Pat is never home. The fact that that bothers me doesn't say I cannot handle things on my own, but rather it says I want some time with my husband before he leaves for another year. When he is home to help it is a luxury that I want to take advantage of for the short time that I can.