I want to keep a record of my life and all of the memories, but I almost always refuse to go back and read what I wrote. I hope that my words will live on after I no longer write. I hope it leaves my children a glimpse into who I really was--my thoughts and feelings.
I will look back at the blog to see what the kids were doing at certain ages, to view a picture if one of the links captures my eye, or of course if I'm looking for a recipe or something. However, for any of the posts written deep from my heart, I cannot bear to read them. But why is it that I do not want to revisit these important moments I write about?
Just the other night I heard the words that hit right to the point of why I despise to look back. These words are not my own. Would you believe me if I told you the advice I find so insightful came from Private Practice?
"Don't let the perspective you have now diminish the feelings you had then."
That is something I find so hard. Over time we gain perspective, and with that perspective things can appear so different. When I read the feelings I wrote in the moment, I often cringe because my perspective today has changed my point of view. That isn't to say my feelings weren't valid in the moment, but I guess as they say hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes I wish I had done things differently or other times reading the words from the past evoke such strong emotions that I've allowed to be left behind me. I've lived my life and experienced the tears, joy, sadness, and sweetness that I write about. I do not need to read about those moments because if I did, I'd be judging it and possibly diminish the feelings that I expressed in the moment. However, I am perfectly content to leave my memories written as a legacy. Maybe one day when my memory is failing I will be happy to read what I once felt, but for right now, I'm not looking back.