September 28, 2011

Living Faithfully

This post is hard to write.  It's hard for me to find the right words to express my feelings.  It's also a very complicated issue, and I have so much I want to say.  I'm not sure I'll be able to do my thoughts justice, but I'm going to try.  I do not claim to know all that I should of my religion and faith, and this is the primary reason I do not share my beliefs on my blog often.  And now I ask kindly that if you have anything you feel the need to criticize or disagree with that I write below, please e-mail me as this is a very personal topic to share.  

Since I was a young girl, around 4th grade or so, there has been one topic that causes me great anxiety.  This issue that causes me such stress is the idea of death, not my death, but death in generally.  The idea of loss is what is hard for me to accept.  The thought of death doesn't enter my mind often, but when it does I feel a panic attack.

Let me first say, I am not fearful of the act of death.  I DO believe in an eternal life.  I believe in heaven.    These ideas are part of my faith.  I am a Catholic, however, I haven't been a very good Catholic.  I have so much more to learn and know.

The other night while laying in bed with Sean before he went to sleep, I began thinking about how old I am and how fast time has passed.  Then I got to thinking about how my time here on earth is short.  I don't feel like I've done all the things I should.  I have not taught my children all that I want them to know.  I have not been the person I want to be.  Thinking about how I've lived almost 30 years and feel like I've done so little brought me to the question of what is the point?  I am not asking what the point in living is, but rather what is my purpose in this life.

And the only answer I could come to from all the thoughts that were racing in my head was that my purpose is to live faithfully and serve God.   He is the reason I am here.  But even with this answer in my head, I felt overwhelmed.

Last night I confided my feelings to my husband.  I needed to talk about what I was thinking in hopes of finding more clarity.  He understood my feelings even though we often see things differently.  I told him that I feel the need to give God a greater presences in our life.  We need to teach our children and live a more faithful life.

I think one aspect that makes me feel overwhelmed is that I have so much to learn.  I want to know Him better.  I recently bought a study Bible because while I know some, I do not know enough.  Also after talking to Pat we have agreed that we will learn together and discuss our faith more.  We will strive to  bring God into our home and marriage.  And knowing that my husband is on this journey with me brings me much joy.      
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7 comments:

Alison said...

That is very brave of you to put in print Michelle. I think having a child does bring many of these thoughts to the forefront. I have lots of things I have been trying to figure out when it comes to religion, and I certainly don't have all the answers, BUT I know I would like to raise Lucy in church. For the past couple of years I have been trying to figure it out more and doing lots of bible studies/reading... maybe one of these days I will figure it out.

That is great that Pat will be joining you on this family journey.

Devon said...

I will pray for you and your family Shelly!

Lisa said...

Is Shelly, I'm so glad you put your thoughts down. I think it's great that you have a desire for more of God and that you and your husband are going to go on the journey together. I totally understand your fear, and in this case, the fact that it motivated you in a good direction is really encouraging!

AnNaRicHiE said...

Now that makes me cry..because in our family my husband is the one who is intO bible. I actually criticized him for being so righteous. He wants us to memorize verses every week. he wants us to have bible study every night and spend almost 4 hours at church every sunday! Shelly,you are doing the right thing to encourage your husband to be thirsty of HIS word (bible).and your post made me think of how gratefu I am to have a husband who lives faithfully .

The Fischer Family said...

This is such a hard topic for so many people Shelly! So bravo for having the conversation! I definitely don't have all the answers, except to tell you that none of us know it all! There is always something to learn and some way that we can grow. I have really gotten interested in the Saints and their lives this year. Not sure why, but I am learning a lot by studying about them. Do you subscribe to Catholic Mom? I think it would give you a lot of the inspiration and motivation that you are looking for! Good luck! I can't wait to see where your journey takes you!

Nicole said...

Stopping by from the the Mil-Spouse Round Up! I think as we get older sometimes God is lost along the way...and eventually we bring Him back into our lives, for the reasons you are talking about. I think I'm ready to start taking that journey as well. Good luck! :)

Jessica said...

this post makes me smile Shelly!

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