This post is hard to write. It's hard for me to find the right words to express my feelings. It's also a very complicated issue, and I have so much I want to say. I'm not sure I'll be able to do my thoughts justice, but I'm going to try. I do not claim to know all that I should of my religion and faith, and this is the primary reason I do not share my beliefs on my blog often. And now I ask kindly that if you have anything you feel the need to criticize or disagree with that I write below, please e-mail me as this is a very personal topic to share.
Since I was a young girl, around 4th grade or so, there has been one topic that causes me great anxiety. This issue that causes me such stress is the idea of death, not my death, but death in generally. The idea of loss is what is hard for me to accept. The thought of death doesn't enter my mind often, but when it does I feel a panic attack.
Let me first say, I am not fearful of the act of death. I DO believe in an eternal life. I believe in heaven. These ideas are part of my faith. I am a Catholic, however, I haven't been a very good Catholic. I have so much more to learn and know.
The other night while laying in bed with Sean before he went to sleep, I began thinking about how old I am and how fast time has passed. Then I got to thinking about how my time here on earth is short. I don't feel like I've done all the things I should. I have not taught my children all that I want them to know. I have not been the person I want to be. Thinking about how I've lived almost 30 years and feel like I've done so little brought me to the question of what is the point? I am not asking what the point in living is, but rather what is my purpose in this life.
And the only answer I could come to from all the thoughts that were racing in my head was that my purpose is to live faithfully and serve God. He is the reason I am here. But even with this answer in my head, I felt overwhelmed.
Last night I confided my feelings to my husband. I needed to talk about what I was thinking in hopes of finding more clarity. He understood my feelings even though we often see things differently. I told him that I feel the need to give God a greater presences in our life. We need to teach our children and live a more faithful life.
I think one aspect that makes me feel overwhelmed is that I have so much to learn. I want to know Him better. I recently bought a study Bible because while I know some, I do not know enough. Also after talking to Pat we have agreed that we will learn together and discuss our faith more. We will strive to bring God into our home and marriage. And knowing that my husband is on this journey with me brings me much joy.