Remember this post HERE, the one where I was worrying and dreading Pat's trip away shortly after he returned from the deployment. He's going to visit injured Soldiers at BAMC and WRAMC. Well, he's leaving today, and it may be really awful of me to say, but there is a part of me looking forward to temporarily going back to the way life that I feel so used to.
I'm shocked at how hard reintegration has been and is for us. Do you know how many times I wanted to write a post about how this deployment had brought us so close together and it honestly had improved our communication. We did such a great job listening to and supporting each other through the deployment. And maybe R & R spoiled me because it was close to perfect, at least in hindsight.
So what happened? We've never struggled this much after the other two deployments. I know we are both responsible for the struggles and to work through it. I think I saw this problem coming towards the end of the deployment, but I thought when he left Afghanistan things would be easier. When his job switched and he took over responsibility for hundreds of Soldiers, that took all his focus. The phone calls in which we bonded over our shared life were fewer and farther between. The e-mails were not replied to because he didn't have time. He was exhausted and just not there when we did talk. I thought it was my turn to support him, and that is what I did. Unfortunately, even after coming home his focus hasn't switched to the family side. He's so looking forward to our upcoming vacation, but hasn't take the time to try to bond and reintegrate with the kids (or me for that matter). I see a recipe for disaster, and he's not listening.
Speaking of not listening, when we talk it's like talking to a wall. His idea of a conversation is let me run my course and then grunt and the conversation is over. I am frustrated and angry. I am tired and sad. I am wondering where my husband is. Did he not come home from Afghanistan yet?
I know that this post sounds so bad. But it is my belief that there is no point to having a blog if you aren't going to be honest. Sometimes one person's honesty will help others, and I know it usually helps me to share my feelings. Sean just woke up and as I went to get him, I got the urge to delete this post. I hate sharing so much of my life, but I think it is important. So I'm clicking publish, and taking deep breaths as I share this struggle with all of you.