March 27, 2011

In all honesty...

In all honesty, I question whether to write this post or not.  I do not want to sound like a Debbie-downer, and really I just think no one would want to read my negative feelings.  Being negative just brings others down.

But the other side of me thinks that I need to be honest on my blog.  I need to share these feelings otherwise I feel like I am deceiving my reader-friends and as a result I would feel like my blog is fictitious.

I'm definitely feeling down still.  I think I'm just feeling done with this deployment.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm tired.  I am the only one that takes care of the kids, the dogs, and the house.  All the jobs are mine.  Plus I've tried to do as much as I can volunteering for the FRG.  I am desperate for a break, for some real me time outside my house.  I want to feel like a person again and not just a robot that does everything.  I want to have feelings again.  I want to matter.

I am trying to do so much that I feel like I am failing at most things.  I feel like the deployment has hurt my children.  I feel like I have failed to be a good mother so many times.  I feel like I let the FRG down.  And we all know that I failed at keeping a neat house, but that is the one that troubles me the least.

And the hard part in admitting that I'm feeling so alone and sad right now is that this is our 3rd deployment.  We already have over 30 months of deployment logged in 5.5 years, and we're not done with this one yet.  I've done this all before.  I'm seasoned.  This should be easy for me, but it is NOT.

I can explain this year like riding a roller coaster.  I made it up the big hill and coasted down.  There were some ups and downs.  I'm preparing for this last hill before we reach then end, and I feel like I cannot pull the car up that last incline.  The end of this deployment is getting close, but it isn't close enough.  It's too far away to get excited, but I know it's coming.  I guess I always found this part of the deployments hard--getting close, but still too far away.  The excitement is building, but there is no way to express it because it's too early to prepare.  We still have too many weeks to worry about our Soldiers.  Our unit family has been through a lot.  I feel like it would be too much to take anymore.  I want these last weeks to speed by.  Emotionally everyone is drained.  

So between my single-parent life, helping others, and worrying for the unit, I'm feeling like I can barely make it any further.  I will make it though.  I know the last few weeks will end up going by, and maybe at a quick pace.  I need to pull up my big girl panties and drive on.  Maybe as we get a little closer and we can start preparing and getting excited things will feel easier.  I feel like I'm stuck waiting and everything is on hold now that we are getting close, but I'm trying to focus on the light at the end of this tunnel that day by day is getting closer.  Soon this will be over, just not soon enough.          

19 comments:

Lisa said...

I don't think being honest about where you're at and how you're feeling is a bad thing at all! I'm sorry you're struggling right now. You will be in my prayers this week.

Darlene said...

Don't ever apologize for being honest on your own blog! It is YOUR blog after all! But I understand how you are feeling EXACTLY. I went through the same thing a few months ago and this is our 3rd as well. I wish I had some awesome wisdom but I don't. Time does go by whether it feels like it or not and sooner or later that day will come for you as mine has finally reached me. Head up, you and the kids are alive and the house is still standing...that alone is an accomplishment =)

Julie said...

I think it is possible we can feel the weight of the last deployment during the next one. I know I can. We are 6 weeks in and it isn't so much that I feel this one is harder or easier but I feel tired. Like, why are we doing THIS again? Didn't we already have to do this? That is how I am feeling. I hope time picks up for you. The end can sometimes be the worst :(

Dr. Army Wife said...

Definitely don't apologize for honesty. Your blog should be your outlet -- you need to let these things out. Plus, reading these posts makes deployment newbies like myself feel like we aren't alone - that our feelings our natural. Thank you for writing. Keep your chin up... you are doing a wonderful job and just keep trucking. Hugs.

Jillian said...

In all honesty, women like you are an inspiration to me. The fact that you can be frank about your day to day struggles is extremely admirable. I really hope to learn from you.

As I posted in my response to your comment, I have yet to go through a deployment (plus the man and I are waiting a little bit longer to be married). I like reading real accounts on what military life is like, so I know what to expect in the future. Blogs like yours made me want to start blogging in the first place.

You'll be in my thoughts. You can do it, girl!

Jenny LeAnn said...

I so understand where you are right now... my train is also barely put putting up that last hill and I am so ready for it to be over. You are right that there are just too many weeks left to worry and I feel the weight right with you girl. My hubby is in AFG due back in July. What unit is your hubby in? I'll be saying prayers for you.

Jenny

Erinn said...

I think of blogging exactly as journaling except people are reading.Its yours and you get to write whatever the heck you want.
I have been through 8 deployments but I can't even imagine what they are like with kids. I just started following your blog today but just by the name of your blog alone, I can tell that you are a strong woman and being strong doesn't mean you always have to be ok. I'm glad I found your blog on the military monday blog hop and can't wait to read more :)
--Erinn

Christina said...

Your post bought tears to my eyes. you know my husband just started his 3rd deployment and I really think that the beginning and the end are the hardest. Don't be so hard on yourself. You most likely held it together a lot better then you think you did. If anything it won't hurt your kids. I have 7 and the older one's have a compassion that reaches much farther than I could of expected. In fact my daughter is a church leader in HI and has gone on missions to East Timor and Bali. My son goes to a Christian college and is involved in this type of work too. I constantly get compliments on how compassionate they are, not like other young adults. I think my 3 younger one's will be the same. I really think this is because the older one's have been through deployment and it makes them have a better understanding of what people go through in life. If anything you will see this come to be. I've noticed this in many military young men and women who were brats so I don't doubt for a moment that this lifestyle has had a huge impact on how deeply they care for others. Keep moving forward and soon this deployment will be over. I will be praying for you and your family.

Christina said...

PS so glad your are being honest. I can't tell you how this helps me out. I know because of you that I am not the only one. I am reading your awesome comments and you know we are not alone with our thoughts and feelings.

Christina said...

Just read your comment. Like you I can't get that Army Wives episode out of my mind. So sorry your unit had to go through this. The unit across from my husband lost 2 men a few weeks before he deployed. Some were injured and came back to be attached to my husband's stay back guys. I just wish this would end. You know I'll keep you in my prayers.

Katy said...

Don't be worried about being honest! I think it feels better when you can just let it all out. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and I hope it gets better for you. Anyone that has been through a deployment has had those same feelings. I wrote a post similar to this one.

following you back from the blog hop! =)

Jessica said...

Thank you for being open and honest...that is not something you need to aplogize for. Everything that you are feeling is real and completely normal...I was seriously nodding my head in agreement with the things you were expressing.
I was reading in Deuteronomy 31:6 about courage and it reminded me that even in deployment, we are not alone. While yes, we do take care of the kids, the house, and everything in between, we are not alone...He is with us.
Let that be encouragement to you. Know that your strength to make it over this last hill does not have to come from you...let Him be your strength. He will sustain you.

Praying for you Shelly.

Peanut Stitches said...

You hit the wall Shelly. You hit the deployment wall. You made it a lot further than most with it!

You are your worst critic b/c we all admire you. 2 boys, 3 deployments, countless casualties...you guys have had enough. Completely understandable.

Give me a call whenever you want. I will always listen! Ok, you know that I will talk...alot...but I will promise to listen!

Jill said...

New follower from the milspouse roundup -http://jillanddavewilliams.blogspot.com/

For starters, this is your blog and if you want to be Debbie Downer then do it! 2nd, I'm amazed that you have 30 months of deployment in 5.5 years. No wonder you are done! 3rd, if I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to stop taking care of others and helping out the FRG as much. You need to take care of yourself and put you and your kids #1 right now and not worry about everyone else. Sounds like you've done your share of helping others, now start worrying about you. Good luck and hang in there!

♥ Dani said...

"We never get used to it... we just get through it." I heard that on an episode of Army Wives when my love was deployed, and it helped get me through the end of it. You have a lot of your plate! Stay strong, you'll be out of this soon enough!

beth @ {expeditionaryfamily} said...

wow....you just perfectly described where i'm at in our deployment too. peanut stitches called it: it's "the wall." it's one of the biggest myths out there that somehow this gets easier over time, or with multiple deployments. hang in there!! it's a real testament to your emotional strength that you're able to be there for your kids and be the strong one in your family.

Kristi said...

Thanks for being real. I'm new to this military life thing and I watch people like you to learn what is ahead of me. I don't want just the rose colored glasses view. I want to learn. I appreciate being cheerful too but we can help each other through the tough spots if we talk about them. The Bible has a lot of places where God's people were hurting and even wrote about it like our blogs. Psalm 22 is an example. Maybe it would help you. There's nothing wrong with expressing the pain when we remember where our help comes from. Psalm 121

Dana @ WhatWereWeThinking? said...

There is nothing wrong with honesty. The life we married into is not always easy and we don't always have people we can vent to who can understand what we are feeling, even within the military community. The thing is, you will get through it and there may be some spouse somewhere who needs to see that even at the lowest point, you can get through it.

I hope the downhill slope is speedy.

Megilon said...

I for one completely appreciate your honesty! I think as military spouses we feel we need to be tough as nails, we can do it all, superwomen. The reality is it is hard and some days are harder than others. It is ok to be honest about your frustrations and your feelings.

That is one of the things I love about this round-up it reminds me I'm not alone in this. And neither are you. Hugs and prayers to you!!

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