In all honesty, I question whether to write this post or not. I do not want to sound like a Debbie-downer, and really I just think no one would want to read my negative feelings. Being negative just brings others down.
But the other side of me thinks that I need to be honest on my blog. I need to share these feelings otherwise I feel like I am deceiving my reader-friends and as a result I would feel like my blog is fictitious.
I'm definitely feeling down still. I think I'm just feeling done with this deployment. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I am the only one that takes care of the kids, the dogs, and the house. All the jobs are mine. Plus I've tried to do as much as I can volunteering for the FRG. I am desperate for a break, for some real me time outside my house. I want to feel like a person again and not just a robot that does everything. I want to have feelings again. I want to matter.
I am trying to do so much that I feel like I am failing at most things. I feel like the deployment has hurt my children. I feel like I have failed to be a good mother so many times. I feel like I let the FRG down. And we all know that I failed at keeping a neat house, but that is the one that troubles me the least.
And the hard part in admitting that I'm feeling so alone and sad right now is that this is our 3rd deployment. We already have over 30 months of deployment logged in 5.5 years, and we're not done with this one yet. I've done this all before. I'm seasoned. This should be easy for me, but it is NOT.
I can explain this year like riding a roller coaster. I made it up the big hill and coasted down. There were some ups and downs. I'm preparing for this last hill before we reach then end, and I feel like I cannot pull the car up that last incline. The end of this deployment is getting close, but it isn't close enough. It's too far away to get excited, but I know it's coming. I guess I always found this part of the deployments hard--getting close, but still too far away. The excitement is building, but there is no way to express it because it's too early to prepare. We still have too many weeks to worry about our Soldiers. Our unit family has been through a lot. I feel like it would be too much to take anymore. I want these last weeks to speed by. Emotionally everyone is drained.
So between my single-parent life, helping others, and worrying for the unit, I'm feeling like I can barely make it any further. I will make it though. I know the last few weeks will end up going by, and maybe at a quick pace. I need to pull up my big girl panties and drive on. Maybe as we get a little closer and we can start preparing and getting excited things will feel easier. I feel like I'm stuck waiting and everything is on hold now that we are getting close, but I'm trying to focus on the light at the end of this tunnel that day by day is getting closer. Soon this will be over, just not soon enough.