April 25, 2008

What a difference a year makes.

One year ago today, Pat and I were supposed to be starting our vacation to San Francisco. We were so excited to finally go on a vacation just the two of us, but our plans changed. I ended up in the hospital. I was 8 weeks pregnant and bleeding. It was by far one of the scariest days of my life. The hospital told me that it doesn't always end badly, but there is a fair chance that I'd lose my baby. They brought down the ultrasound machine and started to look. There it was....our little baby and a beating heart. This was the first time we'd seen the heartbeat. It certainly was bittersweet because while seeing his heart comforted me to know he was alive, it also made me feel that much worse at the prospect losing our baby now that I knew he was living inside me. They gave me an ultrasound photo that day. You couldn't really see anything other than an odd shaped sack. That photo was so hard for me to look at, but meant everything to me at the same time. I put that photo in my purse and couldn't bring myself to look at it, but I knew it was there. They told me to rest and that until I hit the second trimester (which they were considering 14 weeks), I wouldn't know whether our baby would survive. Those next 6 weeks were agonizing. It was so hard to be happy without know if everything would turn out okay. Waiting was extremely hard and emotional.
Now exactly one year later, I can look at and hold my little baby boy. He really is our little miracle. But again today is a sad day. Now I'm waiting for my husband to leave. The two events are very different, but I'm filled with all sorts of emotions. Today always seems to be a day in which I wait filled with sadness, but hope for the future.

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