How am I doing?

I'm not quite sure even I know the answer to this question.  Pat left this weekend.  I'm fine with dealing with the deployment; I know that drill already.  I am not so settled on being a single mom.  I can handle everything by myself, but honestly I'm terrified now that I am solely responsible for Ryan's development.  Am I doing everything I should be doing?  Am I enough fun for him?  Can I make him smile enough?  Is he going to be too attached to me?  Who is he going to socialize with since I don't know anyone?  All these questions keep running through my head.  

When Pat was here I really was spoiled.  He and I were able to do everything together.  I really liked it that way.  Now I go to sleep feeling like I want to cry over the fact that I'm scared I won't be a good mom for Ryan.  I can at least say that when Ryan wakes up in the morning and smiles at me, I feel like everything is going to be alright.  During the day the one thing that makes me forget my fears is seeing Ryan having fun.  

I know that this is mostly just a mental issue I need to get over, and hopefully I will in time.  So I guess  the answer to the question of how I'm doing is....I'm adjusting.  

What a difference a year makes.

One year ago today, Pat and I were supposed to be starting our vacation to San Francisco. We were so excited to finally go on a vacation just the two of us, but our plans changed. I ended up in the hospital. I was 8 weeks pregnant and bleeding. It was by far one of the scariest days of my life. The hospital told me that it doesn't always end badly, but there is a fair chance that I'd lose my baby. They brought down the ultrasound machine and started to look. There it was....our little baby and a beating heart. This was the first time we'd seen the heartbeat. It certainly was bittersweet because while seeing his heart comforted me to know he was alive, it also made me feel that much worse at the prospect losing our baby now that I knew he was living inside me. They gave me an ultrasound photo that day. You couldn't really see anything other than an odd shaped sack. That photo was so hard for me to look at, but meant everything to me at the same time. I put that photo in my purse and couldn't bring myself to look at it, but I knew it was there. They told me to rest and that until I hit the second trimester (which they were considering 14 weeks), I wouldn't know whether our baby would survive. Those next 6 weeks were agonizing. It was so hard to be happy without know if everything would turn out okay. Waiting was extremely hard and emotional.
Now exactly one year later, I can look at and hold my little baby boy. He really is our little miracle. But again today is a sad day. Now I'm waiting for my husband to leave. The two events are very different, but I'm filled with all sorts of emotions. Today always seems to be a day in which I wait filled with sadness, but hope for the future.

Bittersweet Food

Today Ryan had his first bit of baby food (well other than cereal, but I'm not counting that since I mix that with my milk).  He had squash tonight.  He really seemed to like it too.  For me this was bittersweet.  I am glad that he liked the food, but it also made me sad because up until now he's only eaten from me.  I feel so replaced by a tub of Gerber.  It's already been tough for me to get over the fact that he doesn't nurse in the middle of the night anymore, and now I have to deal with food.  I guess I need to get over the fact that my baby is growing up, but man, that is hard for me to accept.    

Few Words

My boys look so serious. I don't think they wanted their photo taken.

He knows Daddy won't like this photo.

He's so cute, and I'm in love. (Of course I think he's cute, I'm his Mom)

I sure need to take a shower and put on makeup.

Daily Thoughts

There really isn't a good title for today's entry.  I just have some random thoughts to share and gripe about.  

How hard is it to get contacted by the FRG?  As a former FRG leader myself, I'm kind of annoyed with the units we've been with here.  It was originally a hassle to get on the e-mail list with the first unit they put Pat into here, but now I'm doing it all over again with the new unit.  I just want to be included considering my husband is leaving so soon.  So finally after asking again about getting put on the contact list, I finally got the call.  So, I'm not trying to be judgmental, but my FRG leader is a male.  This isn't a bad thing, but it is different.  He said he'd send me an e-mail about the upcoming FRG meeting, but did it get sent?  Not yet.  Why do I  think I'm going to have to ask about this again next week?  

Ryan's laugh can be just amazing.  The other afternoon we were standing outback on the deck and he was laughing hysterically at us.  We weren't doing much, but he thinks we are funny.  Of course when we got the video camera out to film it, his laugh turned into a giggle and he started acting shy.  For that matter when we take the camera out he won't roll over either.  I guess our little boy doesn't like being filmed.  This really is a fun age though.  He smiles all the time and loves when we play little games with him.  

One of Ryan's current habits is screeching.  It started off cute, but now it has become a little bit high pitched, shrill, and ear splitting.  He is happy to do this screeching thing most of the day.  It still is a little endearing, but I wish it didn't hurt so much to listen to.  It definitely is one of the baby phases that I will remember.  

We're going to be busy this weekend.  We have a lot that we want to do before Pat leaves.  This weekend we are going to video tape Pat reading lots of books to Ryan.  I'm sure that will be a cute but also sad moment for me to watch.  I really want to try to make it so Pat's presence is still around during the time he is gone.  Hopefully we'll have some fun memories from this weekend, at least that is the goal. 

Apples

My husband must really like apples.  First, it was the silver apple earrings from Tiffany & Co. for Valentine's day.  Now he has really outdone himself.  This past week I received a gift from him that I never would have expected.  I'm actually typing on it right now....Yes, he got me a Mac Book.  (an apple computer laptop for those that aren't tech savvy).  This thing is very fast, has great features, and will make it amazingly easy to create/edit video to send him during his deployment.   It definitely is one of the coolest gadgets I've ever owned.  

Speaking of deployments, my personal opinion is that it sucks for everyone deployed before Aug. 1 having to stay 15 months.  I didn't expect anything different though.  I have to admit that it does work out nicely for us that Pat will only be gone for 11 months.  I definitely feel for all the families currently going through or getting ready for deployments.  The closer it gets the more I dread it.  It is agonizing waiting for it to get here when you know that you don't want it to come at all. 

Tomorrow is a day off from work for Pat.  We're spending it getting things ready for the inevitable.  I hope we can manage to find the fun in the everyday tasks we still have to complete.    

Thanks Army

So after 4 months of being told that we are going to a certain BN, Pat gets a phone call at 10 p.m. last night. I could tell it was business related by his tone on the phone. After a while, I could tell what he was talking about. Yeah, he's no longer in the BN they told him he was going to. Really not that big of a deal, but that does mean he will be going to a different FOB over there which is not as nice, and his mission will be somewhat different which won't be as cool. But for me, this means I can go back to knowing zero people in the FRG. I wish I had known this before I went through all the hassle to get involved in the other one and attending their meetings. I hope that the new one will be having a meeting before he has to leave so that I'll feel somewhat established in the new unit. But knowing how the Army works, I'm thinking I'm on my own with this one.

However, I do have to look on one bright side. He still will be gone less than a year. For that I can thank the Army.

I'm Funny

Ryan really can make my day great. Right now he's in the stage where he thinks I am just so funny. No matter what I do, he laughs. It is the best feeling in the world being able to put a smile on his face and hear him laughing. I'm so lucky to have such a happy little boy.


Here are the pictures from his baptism that I said I'd post.

Home Sweet Home?

Today as I was driving home I had the radio on scan trying to find something to listen to. It came upon the country music channel. I don't remember what song was playing, but it reminded me of Lawton. I began to feel sad and miss my old home. I know Lawton wasn't the greatest place, but it really did become my home during those 3.5 years there. I had a routine there and had become so used my life there. I wonder how long it will take for Tennessee to feel like my home. I love my house and the area has so much to offer, but I guess it will take a while for me to get used to it. Change is definitely hard sometimes.

I still haven't had a chance to look at the photos that I'm supposed to put up. Ryan is having a hard time sleeping without being swaddled....therefore, I'm have a hard time getting any rest. I hope Ryan will accept the change of no swaddling faster than I have accepted our new home.