I consider myself a strong person, but in some ways this deployment is getting to me. I know that I am in need of a good cry--the gasping for breath, blubbering, snot faced type of cry. But something has been stopping me. Most of the stress and sadness for me has been that of other people. I grieve for them, but I feel that it isn't appropriate for me to cry over their hardships and nightmares come true. I want nothing more than to help them and fix everything for them. Unfortunately, in most situations I can do neither. The most I can do is to be there for them as a friend. My eyes well up a lot recently and stray tears fall, but I stop myself from a real cry. My heart aches for my friends and acquaintances, but I do not feel that I deserve to cry. I stand among such amazing spouses. Those that have been affected by tragedy have been so incredibly strong. How can I break down and cry, when they are being so brave.
I know that one day I will have to give in to the tears. However, I am not sure it will happen until this deployment is over. One day when Pat is home, I may let those tears loose. Until then though, I feel it is my duty to be strong and help support my courageous peers.
I know some of you would want to comment that I should let it out, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just don't feel like I can yet.