23 Minutes of Therapy

Last night my 23 minute phone call from Pat was like therapy.  It was one of the best phone calls we've had, and it really raised my spirits.  He called around 8 p.m. which was great for me since Ryan was already in bed.  This was one of the only times I've been able to focus solely on talking to Pat with no worries of entertaining Ryan, feeding him, or getting him down or up from a nap. It almost felt like I was on a date with my husband.  I sat out on our deck, reclined in a chair, watching fireflies in the field behind our house, and talk with my other half.  We talked about what was going on , and no matter the subject we were always on the same page.  After my 23 minutes, I returned to my house beaming with joy from hearing his voice.  I love him and miss him so much.  I'll be very happy when these 8 months are over.   

Standing Up

So the good news for the day is that Ryan pulled himself up to stand today for the first time.  I was unloading the dishwasher this morning, and he was crawling on the kitchen floor.  He's been pulling himself up onto his knees for a while now, but today he actually got up on his two feet and stood there holding on to the dishwasher door.  It was so cute, and I'm so proud of him.  

Yesterday and today Ryan has been super clingy though--to the point where he cries instantly if I leave his sight and crawls to me no matter where I go.  He sobs while he crawls, and when he gets to me, he tugs on my pants.  He isn't a cuddly baby by any means, but recently he just wants to be carried around.  I think he's still adjusting from our week of being with family.  Poor little guy; I feel so bad for him when he's sad.    

Good News

I'm finally back home.  It was a very long trip filled with some struggles and some great moments. I'll probably post a small recap of last week later.

I just wanted to share an article from yesterday's front page of our newspaper.  I'm not sure how long the article will be up so hopefully the link will work for a while.  101st CAB to Return Early  

Yay!  That makes it feel more official and less like a rumor.  Hopefully it won't change.  

Seriously?!?! Crappy Day

Today was a crappy day to say the least.  That really doesn't express how miserable today was, but I'm sure you get the point.  I don't have the energy at this point to type out all the reasons why today sucked.  On a good note, I can say that having my mom out here has been a huge help, and Ryan has been a wonderful little boy too.  It's days like these though that make me hate deployments that much more.    

Our Regular Saturday

As a note about my post yesterday, I knew it would be a bad idea to open up and complain.  Pat thinks he needs to find solutions when I am venting.  Sometimes a woman just needs to vent. Inevitably Pat will do and say anything to make me happy, but sometimes he doesn't realize that being married to him, living our life together, and raising Ryan do make me happy.  That is all I need.  Sometimes there are just obstacles that we must overcome.  Occasionally I'll complain about the rough patches, but that doesn't mean that I am not happy in the long run. Through my complaining I'm just trying to get his understanding and support, not a solution.  

Today Ryan and I had quite a bit of fun.  Well, waking up at 4:30 a.m. wasn't so much fun, but at least after nursing he finally went back to sleep.  We played a lot in the morning, and he was in a pretty good mood.  After a good morning nap, it was off to look for more pajamas for him at Baby Gap.  Yay for the weekend sales they've been having because we got another set for under $10, and they're cute too.  Then after his afternoon nap he was so happy.  It was just great.  We played with everything he could get his hands on, and he crawled all over the place.  His good mood even continued after dinner.  He was talking and screeching with joy.  Today with Ryan really made me cheer up.  I love seeing my little boy so happy.  

Tomorrow Grammy is coming to town for a few days.  She's going to help us on our first flight to go up North for a visit.  I'm so thankful that she's able to come because getting 3 dogs to the kennel down in the city, and then flying with Ryan for the first time is going to be a bit difficult.   

Hard To Like

I'll admit that I'm finding it very hard to like it here.  I'm afraid that these eight plus months of this current deployment are going to color the rest of the time we spend here, even when Pat does return.  My feelings toward the post and town are unfortunately forming while I am less than happy here.  All I can do is think about when we'll be able to leave.  Honestly it really isn't a bad place, but I associate it with loneliness and isolation.  It probably didn't help matters when during one phone conversation Pat casually slipped in the rough date of when his next deployment will be--possibly less than a year from his return.  I do not even feel like this house is our home either.  We have not done anything yet to make it our own, and that makes it feel foreign to me. I want my paint colors on the walls and permanent marks that show our time spent here.  

Since it is just the beginning of our journey here, will I be able to change my point of view on this post or will I dislike it as a result of the rocky beginning?  I guess only time will tell, but right now I'm thinking it's doomed.     

What A Ride!

Pat and I haven't been able to talk lately, but the last few times we had communication we spent some time thinking about our future.  Since our communication has been limited, we vowed that we'd discuss what we want in the future the next time we spoke on the phone. Unfortunately that phone call keeps getting pushed back, and by the time it actually occurs who knows if we'll remember to talk about it.  I have been thinking a lot about what I want to happen in the future, and of course I have a million and two different ideas.  All this thought made me remember a quote that I once read in an e-mail that my mother forwarded out.  

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out and proclaiming, 'wow, what a ride!'"--author unknown but sometimes attributed to motorcycle racer Bill Mckenna

I really aspire to live my life this way.  I think all too often we let our lives drive us into our future when instead we should take the wheel and drive our lives.  One thing I want to talk about with Pat is seizing opportunities.  I've found, if you try and fail at something, you move on.  Sometimes it hurts to fail, but there is nothing you can do--it's over, you just bury that memory if it bothers you.  If you don't try, you may always wonder what if, and it is so hard to move on when you are questioning what could have been.  So my thoughts for the day:  Do what makes you happy.  Challenge yourself.  Make your dreams a reality.  Take the opportunity to try.  And live your life to the fullest so you too can proclaim, "wow, what a ride!"  

Powerful

Something that amazes me and I can't quite wrap my head around yet is the power I have being Ryan's Mommy.  If he cries at night, just my presence is sometimes enough to comfort him.  I still have a hard time believing that I mean so much to someone.  I always knew that moms have a special connection with their children, but being one of the moms is so amazing.  When he is upset, hurt, tired, etc. he wants me.  Even if I can't heal all boo-boos or take away illness, I can make him feel better.  There is something so powerful about being a mother.    

Woe Is Me

Tonight I typed Pat an e-mail, and in it I had included a section where I tried to explain to him how lonely and disappointing my Army wife life has been here at our newest post.  However, before I sent the e-mail I thought better of the woe is me attitude and deleted the paragraph. Sending an e-mail like that is not my style, and I don't want to make him feel bad while he is deployed and focused on the mission.  I can get through this.  I can be a stronger, more independent person by pushing through this difficult time.  I will not complain (except in my blog).  I will just deal, and after all isn't that what Army wives are supposed to do?  

Random Deployment Thoughts

I've always been somewhat of a homebody.  I think it has become extreme now that we are in a new place, and I know no one.  I could probably be classified as a hermit.  Other than the cashiers at the grocery stores Ryan and I don't see people.  Since Pat left I think I could count on one hand the number of times I've had face to face contact with people for longer than 2 minutes.  Is this detrimental to our personal development?  I don't know.  I've put in effort to meet people, but it just seems that being alone is what we do and how we end up.  Instead of thinking of it as lonely with no friends, I look at it as a ton of quality time devoted directly at my son and our dogs.  We laugh a lot and play all day.  So while it isn't quite normal, we are making it work just fine.  I am also very lucky to have a great support system that is only a phone call away.  

I am kind of sad that Pat hasn't really had the chance to enjoy the life we've made here at our new home.  Right after we moved here, Pat went TDY.  He returned and signed into his unit, and then it was preparing for the deployment.  We used the two months we had to get settled and do all the business (like registering cars, etc.) that we needed to get done before he left. There wasn't time to just relax and enjoy the life we had.  Pat is missing out on the everyday joys like throwing the ball outback for Abbey or sitting on the living room floor playing with Ryan.  I really look forward to the everyday routine when Pat returns.  There are so many things that I want to share with him again:  eating dinner, giving Ryan his bath, and playing with Ryan and the dogs.  There is a lot to look forward to, but still a lot of waiting before that time comes.