Coffee Is My Drug of Choice

Lately I've been craving coffee, which is weird because I've NEVER been a coffee drinker. I didn't like the taste or even the smell. Also, for some reason I grew up thinking of coffee as a bad habit. I had a negative connotation to coffee.

In the midst of the craving, I happened to catch a segment of the show "The Doctors" where they listed off 5 reasons to drink coffee:

1. Coffee is a great source of antioxidants

2. Coffee can apparently boost female sex drive

3. Cuts post work out muscle pain

4. May reduce heart rhythm disturbances

5. Morning cup can kick start your day

The next time I was at the grocery store I picked up a yummy flavor of coffee-mate, just in case I gave in to my urge.

A few days later, I brewed my first cup. (If you don't remember, my husband gave me a Keurig coffee maker for Christmas that I've used for teas and hot chocolates). I'm hooked. I enjoy the bitter yet sweet nature of coffee. I feel like there is something sophisticated about it. I think of it as an indulgence I can give myself.

I'm not sure if my new coffee habit is a result of it being the only thing I can really find time to give myself or if I was meant to be a coffee drinker all along.

Do you drink coffee? What kinds do you like or how do you drink it?

In Need of a Good Cry

First I want to thank all of you for the prayers for my friend, her husband, and family. Her husband is still in critical but stable condition. If all goes well, he should be returning to Walter Reed tomorrow, and my friend will be there by his side. I still ask for continued prayers for them, but this is about all I'm going to say about it for now because they are entering a very personal journey at this point. I will try to update you in the future though.

I consider myself a strong person, but in some ways this deployment is getting to me. I know that I am in need of a good cry--the gasping for breath, blubbering, snot faced type of cry. But something has been stopping me. Most of the stress and sadness for me has been that of other people. I grieve for them, but I feel that it isn't appropriate for me to cry over their hardships and nightmares come true. I want nothing more than to help them and fix everything for them. Unfortunately, in most situations I can do neither. The most I can do is to be there for them as a friend. My eyes well up a lot recently and stray tears fall, but I stop myself from a real cry. My heart aches for my friends and acquaintances, but I do not feel that I deserve to cry. I stand among such amazing spouses. Those that have been affected by tragedy have been so incredibly strong. How can I break down and cry, when they are being so brave.

I know that one day I will have to give in to the tears. However, I am not sure it will happen until this deployment is over. One day when Pat is home, I may let those tears loose. Until then though, I feel it is my duty to be strong and help support my courageous peers.

I know some of you would want to comment that I should let it out, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just don't feel like I can yet.

Sad Day

Yesterday was a sad day for our unit and my friend. Her husband was wounded in action. He needs a LOT of prayers right now. She and her family have a long journey ahead of them, but she is very strong and has a great support network of friends. My heart goes out to her.

I cannot sleep tonight. This deployment is wearing on me. The phone calls from Rear D are coming too often. I am thankful that Pat has a "safe" job right now, but it is impossible to take comfort in that fact while I am watching so many other spouses deal with the unimaginable. Dealing with all this so often as the FRG leader is just making me terrified for when Pat switches into the "not so safe" job in a couple months.

Do not read this the wrong way; I have not lost faith. I am so sad for the families that have been so affected. I am nervous that our unit still have many more months left over there. And naturally I worry about my spouse no matter what.

Yesterday was a hard day for my boys too. Because of everything that happened, we spent most of the day running around. They were little troopers, but it was a very hectic day for them too. Here's hoping I can get more sleep and wake up to a much better day.